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Log 3





tomodachi life

12/12/2023 ~~ 23:40



the endless twisting complication of chronic pain is so much more difficult to explain and to capture the experience then words and art can justify.. i used to think that kinetic expressions of my rage and frustration would bring relief to something that felt like a bad dream that wouldn't end; now i am so many years deep into the miasma that im mostly just struck down often wondering where i am or what is going on; lost in my memories as a child and envying that past self not out of nostalgia but simply because its hard to believe now i was ever a person who did not live in a body that was actively dying

these last few days have felt endless; pain has been endless, endless, endless, endless, endless, endless, endless. chronic pain is not a character arc.

12/12/2023 ~~ 22:02



ohhhhh power to draw please!!!otherwise..

11/30/2023 ~~ 19:29



11/30/2023 ~~ 14:19



man why does morphine have to suck so bad and also be so good? i swear it makes me feel more normal in my body then any other opiate without the psuedo euphoria of percs but it's also so fucking nauseating no matter how many years of boofing morphine i have under my belt i still want to puke every fucking time AND I NEVER DO BECAUSE I CAN'T PUKE!! Why can't i just be someone who can puke? Everyone else can puke. T_T)

11/17/2023 ~~ 21:07



dream from this morning

11/17/2023 ~~ 20:55



i'm really bothered that i've tried in a few different places to share awareness of b+n but i still have failed to get any new readers.. it feels really shameful. i've tried so so hard to distance myself from the world where art is a social object; and this is different to me, it's not about wanting to be SEEN and VALUED but of wanting to share and enrich and make people laugh.. once again I am being reminded that i am an extremely uncharasmatic person

11/9/2023 ~~ 19:52



i want to make a video game.. i tried once when i was in high school, but i never got past the art and design concepts stage.. the actual programming seemed too daunting at the time. i've had ideas more recently for a byoe and nemu themed mobile game, but since i don't have a cell phone, that seems kind of counter-intuitive.. what kind of game would i make?

10/29/2023 ~~ 12:20



there is kind of a perpetual rage.. or maybe rage is not the right word, but instead sadness that comes with having a visible disability. the more my legs twist up as i get older and the closer i get to being wheelchair bound, not being able to walk the stairs on my own or to be able to go out on an adventure on my own, i think about how we live in an age more then ever where the faces and bodies of the most beautiful people are broadcast from all around the world in a perpetual raising-of-standards and a perpetual shaming-of-the-beauty-of-the-soul. we are supposed to be in an era of greater acceptance but i still feel constant shame for being disfigured. i wonder how other disabled people cope with it.

10/23/2023 ~~ 11:18



very strange dream last night...

there were many people or friends waiting for someone to be born. and they were born again through holes in the ground, beneath trees, in this desert-place. when they were born again, they were born as children, and somehow, i was supposed to be involved. but I had not been given a hole in the ground, underneath a tree, by birthright, so they made a fake one for me. it was artificial. i was at my dad's house; two men in black suits took me outside and it was snowing. there was a dark patch of snow by the bench, and they pushed me through it, until i was in my hole, in the desert, beneath the ground. but it wasn't right somehow, so i came back through the snow. i knew i wasn't small enough. but through instinct, i followed around to the back of the house, and there was another patch of dark snow, deep beneath the eaves of the forsythia bush. this time when i crawled inside, i knew that i had found the right place to be born. from under the dirt in the distant desert, i pushed up through the ground, suffocating, until i finally burst into the light, newly born as a child, again. there were other children and their trees in the desert grove, all waiting for a special someone to be born, and they tried to push me back into the ground, claiming that i wasn't supposed to be there. but one child defended me, and said that it explained everything-- i had been close to the person being reborn, and i should have had my own hole and my own tree. it had just taken me a long time to find it.

i went back in-to my hole, and this time i emerged at my grandparent's house. there was a steep hill where the forest used to be, and up it's side were rows of overgrown blueberry bushes. i ran up to the bushes, and i was amazed that they towered over me, because i was a child now, and not looking down at them as an adult does. the blueberries were mushy, flavorless, and infested with spiderwebs. it began to rain, so i went inside. my grandma was surprised to see me as a child, but seemed to accept it. i crawled inside the washing machine, where i had come from, and i returned to my hole in the ground. were we still waiting for our friend to be born when i woke up? i don't remember

10/19/2023 ~~ 10:21



once i've settled in back home I'm going to start repairing and reworking the entire site code.. pages like kitchen and world room have been left broken on certain screen sizes for too long. i'd also like to make new backgrounds for some of the pages that use oldschool tiles and in general just give the whole site a facelift

10/13/2023 ~~ 13:31



10/11/2023 ~~ 15:46



florida did knock out boston and avenge london and i AM a not so secret London spitfire fan but i am rooting for houston in this grand finals LETS GO HOUSTONNNNN

10/1/2023 ~~ 06:35



if i cant draw soon im gonna cry i need to draw but its stuck in my throat like a horse pill. im just going to play binding of isaac i guess

09/27/2023 ~~ 22:40



now this, this i can confirm this is how retard legs look while youre sitting theres no way to ever make it look quite right

09/24/2023 ~~ 09:53



dreamlike reality

09/20/2023 ~~ 21:47



in california cops can break into your house if youre late on rent LMFAO. literal dystopia, you cant make this shit up

09/19/2023 ~~ 18:24



09/19/2023 ~~ 13:55



on a video about the recycling of food waste in the phillipines. so close to the mark.. i often feel a strong need to watch film of poverty in third world countries to remind me of how steeply rich poverty in the US really is. even in homelessness there are excesses that exist in this country that don't seem to exist in the rest of the world.. yet so many disgusting "health and safety" regulations restrict access to medicine, food, shelter, or even the inside of the dumpster. CCTV is the devil and all security cameras should be smashed and spraypainted over. good grief..

09/19/2023 ~~ 00:33



MH really in for some kind of transformation if i ever decide to summon and make the gallery in the lamp actually work because the deluge of art that could be unleashed from my many hard drives would be overwhelming to comb through. everything on the site as it stands is relatively recent. the oldest drawings on here are probably the b+n family portraits (and you can tell because of how different nemu looks)

09/17/2023 ~~ 22:17



all my screenshots from playing klonoa are missing and im sad because its such a beautiful game and i wanted to be able to look at the pictures i took.. i guess its a good excuse to play it again later though

09/15/2023 ~~ 22:48



competitive smash melee is such a weird example of human fallicy of people deciding to give themselves RSI's and arthritis to be good at a video game instead of spending their energy on creative and humanizing efforts. but noooo the art skill curve is TOO HARD!

09/15/2023 ~~ 18:18




09/10/2023 ~~ 23:03



this morning I had one of the longest, strangest hypnagogic dreams of my life..

in the beginning, I was on a small bridge overlooking a river on an unusually cold morning. there was a long red van parked next to me on the bridge and there were many people in it; I am not sure if they were my friends or bystanders. the people wanted to jump off the bridge and into the cold water to be refreshed, and they did it one by one. i wanted to see for myself what it was like, but I was too scared to jump. so I went down the side of the embankment and walked into the water by myself. it was very warm, like bathwater, and it was shallow, so I wondered how the people on the bridge were jumping into it without hurting themselves. I spoke briefly to my brother, who appeared on the shore to ask me about the warmth of the water. By now, the sun was out, and it was getting warmer and warmer. I told him it was fine if he wanted to get in, and then I began to walk up the stream.

farther up the stream, I found a mattress that was washed up on the shore. I laid down on this mattress and I was transported to a dream-within-a-dream-like state, where I was in a room that resembled my bedroom; but it was a little different. There were rats in my bed, dozens of tiny rats biting me, and sluggishly I beat them off of me. I found a flashlight in the folds of the sheets and I pointed it around. There were holes in the wall that went out into an attic space that seemed to go on forever.. and on the right hand side, there was a metal grate on the wall. I turned up the flashlight's beam, and within the grate I saw eyes gleaming back at me. They grew in number and their forms became more defined, until I realized they were all dogs. The wall was full of dogs. and a dog leapt out of the wall and came up to me.. it was a black pit bull. i pet it, and remembered that someone I knew in the dream, named "Icoxp", was the owner of these dogs that had been breeding inside of my bedroom walls. Then I woke up from being asleep on the mattress, and woke up on the "real mattress" that was on the waterfront.

on the riverfront, there was now a gathering of the same people from the bridge, all in boats or canoes. They had burning candles, and seemed to be conducting some kind of funeral. I wasn't sure who the funeral was for, but I desperately wanted to tell someone of the vision of the dogs inside my wall, the dogs that belonged to Icoxp. but no one wanted to listen. eventually, one of the people suggested that they go up to "the quarry".. and they all began to scale this steep cliff beside the stream. I followed, and in time I came to a massive ampitheater at the top of the hill. i can see it perfectly right now.. it was like a factory that had been struck by an atom bomb, with the roof blown out and the sides all twisted metal sticking up under a cloudy sky & the windswept hill all sour apple green dark autumn decay green..

inside the ampitheater there were preperations for some sort of performance by two young men with long hair. one had a guitar and one had a bass, and both had small pink amplifiers. I picked up a third guitar, but they sent me away, uninterested in having me join them. in the deep corner of the room I was sitting on a chair, falling asleep. in my hand there was a small white package with something electronic inside. i don't know when it got there. but as I was falling asleep, i accidentally pushed the button hidden under the cloth. and as my eyes closed, I saw an explosive flash of white light, and the air was hot around me.. and yet again I entered a dream-within-a-dream.. this time, I was in a steep, dark cave by myself. I didn't know how I had gotten there, but I knew if i opened my eyes, I would be returned to the ampitheater and the blinding explosion of light. afraid, I waited in the dark cave by myself for a while, before eventually, I gained the strength to open my eyes for the last time awakening from the second dream layer..

once again i was in the ampitheater, but the seating had changed dramatically. this time, I was in the very top of a large set of homemade bleachers, deep in the corner. as i awoke my mind seemed very empty and there were only echoes of the memories of the dream before. I got up out of my seat and struggled down the long line of people. whispers followed me. eventually, four rows down, I saw an exit-door, and i crossed yet again through the crowd. the whispers were louder and more angry this time, and I got the sense the performers on the stage were watching me in the dark. finally, I was back outside on the cliff top. it was still grey and windy, and it seemed as if no time had passed at all, but i knew that it had. i went around the building and scaled down the south side, past a large, decrepit church, that seemed almost alien in design. I could see behind me that the people were leaving the ampitheater, and I was afraid. they seemed angry at me. and below, finally, I heard the talking of a man.. as I reached the bottom, back by the shore of the river, i met with a large man, who was with one of the performers. he recognized me immediately, and grabbed me by the shoulders. he said that I had killed his sons, and i knew it was true. but i didn't know what i had done, when i had created that white light.. so i feigned ignorance. and the performer defended me, saying that he didn't think I would do such a thing on purpose. eventually, the man let me go. the performer told me i had been in a coma for nine days... or was it nine months? i went back to the mattress by myself, looking for the dogs and the rats.. but they weren't there..

09/10/2023 ~~ 10:38



OK i was going to try to be less mean and negative in this dairy but i just have to say it. people who dont know how to draw but go to school for a degree in animation are so FUCKING funny like what level of delusion do u have 2 b on? the most talented artists in history are always failing and punished for their creativity and scope (pic related). but somehow you think your talentless vision is worth something? i am a believer that any thing can be art, yes, but i also believe that there is an enormous skill curve and an infinite skill ceiling to any art medium. and the blatant disrespect that some show towards that skill curve is embarassing. theres a reason why geniuses live disrespected and punished; ever consider that its voluntary? im gonna let you think about that

09/9/2023 ~~ 00:55



this is my animal crossing new leaf visual adaptation of the recent event where i gave myself a concussion by hitting my head on the wall by my bed

09/8/2023 ~~ 00:29



happy little ower

09/7/2023 ~~ 22:57