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Log 2




lately it feels like everyone,even people I like are just getting mad at me all the time for being too autistic. and they don't understand that i act the way I act because im really autistic and not because i am trying to be disrespectful.. but when I explain this they look at me like I am a dog

08/21/2023 -- 21:12



haunted by a major lack of human respect but i'm not sure what you can do besides be insane and know that the world has cold eyes on you. so people go into the woods and underground feeling hunted. i'm surprised bad or worse things havent happened yet in 2023

08/06/2023 ~~ 09:17



you know im starting to think that maybe there are a lot of people who are afraid to spend time with their mammas or daddies knowing that they are going to be dead one day sooner not before long. and then they get crippled and paralyzed so they just decide to distract themselves. but before they know it years have passed and everythings already gone away

08/05/2023 ~~ 11:32



so lonely im gonna lose my god damn mind one day

08/03/2023 ~~ 19:54



i hope i can eventually figure out what the hell this tourettes thing is about because i atleast want to know if i have it or if i just have mild seizures or if its my medication or whatever cuz' its back in full swing recently and its just another layer of making everything harder

08/03/2023 ~~ 17:06



comics are a universal love language

08/01/2023 ~~ 14:11



im getting exponentially funnier the longer i go without dying

07/30/2023 ~~ 20:10



see something that ppl without crippling autism dont understand about people WITH crippling autism is that even if you are verbal and not quite that ha ha hee hee hoo hoo i cant speak i can only stim type retard that they see on youtube--- youre still someone with crippling autism. outside of being disabled and everything else? 95% of my day is trying to fight bad stimulation thats making me feel literally like an animal just because of the way my pants are touching my legs

07/30/2023 ~~ time unknown



nothing is ever fair and addiction is still prosperity..

07/24/2023 ~~ 20:54



byoe and nemu are like my anchor to reality

07/21/2023 ~~ 22:42



07/21/2023 ~~ 00:45



i saw this in my head while i was weeding the beets today. if you know, you know

07/20/2023 ~~ 21:26



see some fucking idiots, some fucking idiots think that there are physical and mental barriers, insurmountable abstract ideas that exist as filters between "talented artists" and "below average" artists. absolutely nobody has the authority to decide where someone's creativity begins and ends, but our 21st century society, western or otherwise, is obssessed with the idea of competition. art is not competitive by nature; in fact art isn't even SOCIAL by nature. nature itself is art; do you think flowers open so that you can see them, or so that they can see the sun? no one is thinking about this! art has always been about the self, the individual, the spirit and the spirit's eye. anyone, no matter their ability or body can be an artist by definition as long as they are shaping the beauty that they see in the world around them. and if motherfuckers don't wake up to the fact that the planet is literally dying, i guess art will die long before it.

07/18/2023 ~~ 22:10



i love my friends
07/16/2023 ~~ 23:26



there might be hope for humanity yet. i'm not sure about myself, though
07/14/2023 ~~ 23:34



you know originally my years of isolation made me touch starved and attention seeking but then my trauma ruined all of that. i turned into such an introverted singular icy hardass devoid of emotion for the sake of self preservation. but now i find myself wanting someone to pay attention to me. maybe not for being me, or for being a person at all, but for the pure and simple connection between two human beings like invisible joy that must exist and must be habituated through coexistence... or otherwise I guess autism is God after all.. 07/11/2023 ~~ 23:16



i need someone to autistically play terraria with me for hours and hours and hours on end

so basically you should add me on steam if youre reading this 07/11/2023 ~~ 01:56



insane when you realize the waay some people do misconstrue the value of their time as living human beings on Earth

07/09/2023 ~~ 13:40



walter beat cancer and they gave him fcking prednisone; meanwhile im dying in super slow motion suspended animation but I get the funny stuff.id probably have to break a mirror or two too.

07/09/2023 ~~ 01:51



i think more and more as ive gotten older the thing thats begun to upset me the most about the state of the artist's life is the fact that it seems talent unanimously brings unhappiness. maybe its just the truth that anyone whos at the top of any field will have a conlficted relationship with their skill or medium but it seems to me that there are no talented artists that do not feel torn about the divide between career and moral. being a moral artist means sacrificing success and being a career artist means sacrificing morals. and trying to walk the narrow line is a trap many try to make work and really there could not be a bigger waste of time. eventually one day you're going to have to face the question of whether or not you make art for yourself and for Nature and for God or whether or not you make art for external validation and many are ashamed of that answer. introversion is a lot darker of a thing then people would like to make it out to be, because the way that autism and savantism cripples you and the way that society punishes you and pushes you back and inside of yourself leads to very inside-out people. thats why there is so much anger in the art underground;

but noone can be angry all the time. don't you get sick of it? i've been angry for so long, and I think I do things like, have my website, and have my diary, to think that there is a component of it that is safe and happy still. but maybe im just too bitter and dried up to ever enjoy my own creativity again; atleast until I find the confidence and strength to divorce myself from other people completely. and not many people seem strong enough to do that anymore at all..

06/26/2023 ~~ 18:54



oh oh oh oh oh oh ..!!

06/25/2023 ~~ 14:19




06/13/2023 ~~ 22:22


i've got to be the most mentally ill person i know easily by a long shot when i actually delve into my own archive of shit that ive made and not dared to show anyone just reveals the depths of my literal state of unreality

06/07/2023 ~~ 16:40



06/04/2023 ~~ 13:40



god gave me an addictive personality so i could play stardew valley

06/02/2023 ~~ 16:37



my comic brain is so god damn dead its not even funny. theres not gonna be any anything for a long time i think; sorry to dissapoint naiafans. fortunately for you the crazy always reaches and acute enough point eventually where i have to get back on the escapism horse or otherwise im just gonna blow up into little particles

06/01/2023 ~~ 19:21


ok im taking steps to get it under check because dear god these last 2 days have been bad, bad BAD,. BAD.

05/25/2023 ~~ 18:59


so much fucking mental brain damage right now dude

05/25/2023 ~~ 14:44





05/24/2023 ~~ 16:57


sometimes i get really scared about the kinds of medicine im on and how much I have to take and probably how narrowly of a line i'm walking between acting "it's normal" and being dead in a grave

05/20/2023 ~~ 21:01



brian eno once again making me feel fucked up about state of affairs in the artist community at 6am its too early for this shit

05/20/2023 ~~ 06:43



comedic timing in old spongebob is pretty much what i imagine the pace of an animated byoe and nemu cartoon would be

05/17/2023 ~~ 13:48



so many fucking idiots who have no idea how to draw but here i am like an arthritic ass 90 year old waking up 4am and I can't do anything without being high on something

literally "medicated" is just a code word for "legally high as fuck" i think its only between the trapeze of being that fucking high on shit all the time that I haven't blown up a government building yet. yes putting that on this site is getting my record in the list updated but i honestly could not fucking care less I'm going to be dead before im 25 anyway

05/16/2023 ~~ 06:55



fishtank.live is legit some of the most sickening shit ive seen yet though i know its just supposed to be parody reality tv 21st century but its somehow as bad as what they did to eggplant guy because of the waves of unreality hitting my brain about how easily accessible the hobby of gangstalking is in 2023 and makes me think about my own experiences with stalking

this isn't even what i came on here to write though; all i realy wanted to type on my keyboard is that i miss my fucking mommy and i wish someone would tell me what to do

05/15/2023 ~~ 20:27



this is more unreality inducing then fishtank.live literal dystopia imagining the 10 year olds right now who were raised on youtube

05/15/2023 ~~ 12:40



spongebob balls out had an episode about plunderphonics

05/13/2023 ~~ 20:46



when i was a little kid me and my brother would wrestle with our necks and right now im wondering if thats one of the reasons why i have neck issues as an adult

05/12/2023 ~~ 23:01



today i was walking around the big field and i lost my sandals because i had taken them off so i could walk barefoot in the grass. and usually when i do that i take the same path back and i can find where i left my sandals. but today something in the world disconnected and i couldnt find them and eventually i asked durbin to help so we did it together while he went to go throw away some rotting meat in the edge of the woods. and durbin said that it was so like me to take my sandals off thoughtlessly in tall grass.. i wonder what that does say about me...

05/10/2023 ~~ 20:05



anyway when my wrists dont feel broken hopefully ill feel like working on some new stuff for the site

05/09/2023 ~~ 20:35



recently ive been playing a little bit of overwatch 2 here and there which is funny cuz its not the kind of game id usually play at all i dont like multiplayer online games, but i was having a little nostalgia i think for playing it back when it launched with old friends. but i am quitting playing it already even though its only been a few weeks because i am dumbfounded by how stupid of a marketing ploy it is. its so blatant that its a game thats designed around the philosophy of addiction so people keep grinding their SR, keep watching OWL, keep buying skins from the skinner shop. its fucking crazy cuz the game is actually fun. but its not fun in a good way its just barely fun enough it keeps you playing. and also its clearly geared towards kids who have good reaction times and can keep track of all the shit on the screen. i am literally too arthritic for that kind of game. even though im used to feeling bad in my body ill justify wasting time and energy on a dumb game like ow2 just because it gives me a little dopamine burst when i see the numbers go up. insane what an addictive personality does considering i could literally just go get drugs that make me feel better then that gay little dopamine burst ever cld. im going to stick to singleplayer games and vns and spend my time on my projects and creativity thank u very much.

(the part i really dont want to admit is that i think watching OWL is really fun and im gonna have to try to quit that too because its become a new past time. i just like how fast paced the game is! it reminds me of SSMB at its best another game i cant play because of ongoing chronic pain and disability saga)

05/09/2023 ~~ 20:27



i was wrong about the cats.. see, it was probably a hoax, and it was actually the dogs who had eaten the cat food i left out. as for the paw print, i think it must have just been one of the dogs stepping lightly. two days have passed and none of the new food i put out was touched. i am a little sad, but maybe it is for the best, because i don't think i'll be living here for much longer.

dairy, i feel disconnected.. today, someone i don't always like told me a very thoughtful thing, about how sometimes doing something you don't nessecarily want to do, or in a way you don't agree with, is how you grow as an artist.. but here i am, after all these years, playing with myself in another lonely room.. it's like i can't ever really be a part of other peoples worlds, no matter how much i want to be. at the end, i return to my room and play with myself because i am too autistic to do anything else. i feel so retarded. only recently maybe have i been seeing the bigger picture of how retarded i really am and how much my alienation has been a product of my autism..

dairy, i hope some one is out there..

05/07/2023 ~~ 19:54



today my whole day centered around a hunt to discover whether or not there were feral cats in our barn. because, this morning, when i went to get spring onions from the greenhouse, i heard cat meowing coming from the barn. i investigated and found lots of spots they might be hiding in the walls and floor, but no evidence.

so when i went to get lunch with my brother, he gave me some cat food, and using the cat food and some flour on the floor, i made baited traps, so that i could get a paw print, i could confirm that they really were in there

the picture was from the bowl on the third floor, but on the 2nd floor, there was a trail of kitten sized paw prints.. i am really hoping that there will be kittens, because even if they are feral, they can be domesticated better then adults. i am so excited about all of this

05/05/2023 ~~ 20:24



todays my dads birthday

05/02/2023 ~~ 19:00



the animation style in "cartman gets an anal probe" and "jesus vs. santa" is so deeply satisfying to me with the colors and shapes and movement of the characters & inspiring me to continue pursuing interesting art creative direction with my own shit (while also making it funny)

04/27/2023 ~~ 07:50